dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Randomize
