I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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