bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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