When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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