So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
