My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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