Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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