so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
