I accidentally had phone sex last night
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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