someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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