Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
