I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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