She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
