so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Randomize
