...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
