if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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