I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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