so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
