Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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