i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
