So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You did what with his pubic hair?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
