the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
