I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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