Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
