would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
