Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
