Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
