I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
