The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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