i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
