I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
