I met the friendliest cop last night
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
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