youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
