im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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