bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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