I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
