i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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