i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Damn victory sex feels great
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