i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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