Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
