If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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