Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
