I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
