I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
