I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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