my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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