just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
