I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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