you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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