i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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