just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
