grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
