Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
